We get carried away pretty easily, as human beings. We like to magnify certain experiences when we are yet to have them and put them on a pedestal as if those experiences are the end of everything. Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but, they’re not.
You know what these experiences are? I’ll tell you.
1. First Kisses
There is no perfect first kiss when you close your eyes and see the universe unfold in front of your eyes. More than half the time, you’re either using too much tongue and wondering why she isn’t, while she could be wondering why your lips don’t taste like cinnamon or one of those nice fairytale-like smells. Result: After the kiss you’re like, ‘I think I’ll just go home and sleep this away’, in your head, of course.
2. First Dates
Please don’t kill me, but it’s true. We really only happen to love the chase; the pursuit of “sappy”ness, if I may. Once you’ve got the girl and we’ve got the guy, we’re like, “Okay, so now that I got that off my list, what next?” The result is you’re sitting in this place you decided to go have coffee and you have nothing to contribute to a one-sided conversation. I mean, there she is telling you how her life is and how he doesn’t care what his family thinks about who he sees or wants to end up spending his life with and all you’re thinking is, “Is she/he really saying all of that?” “Are we going to get married now?” “What time is it?” “When will this be over?” “Why am I not getting any urgent calls?” “Does nobody need me?” yada, yada, yada…
3. The Art of Undressing Someone
The thing about this art is that it’s not an art at all. Letting the other person undress you—most overrated thing ever. Why, you ask? Well, it’s because bras get entangled in fingers, arms, sometimes legs and so do panties. And as for the guy, you’d be surprised every time you remove one layer of clothing. I mean, it’s like the cloth never ends! Yeah, the whole concept of tasteful undressing is mythical and only ever happens in A-Rated movies.
4. Losing “It”
The only “It” you want to lose during or after the actual loss is your mind! I kid you not. It’s one of the most overrated things in the history of overrated things. It’s like you think you’re preparing for the best night of your life and you imagine that the first touch is going to make your skin come alive (seriously?). You try to sensualize it because maybe that’s how you ‘get in the groove’. Before you know it, you’re down to business and you don’t even know what business that is. But, hey, guess who’s being an adult tonight?! So you put on your sexy brave face that says how much you just ‘loved what happened, let’s go again!’ Inside, you’re screaming, ‘There’s blood on my bed and you look freaked out!’ Before you know it, it’s over and you thank Heavens and you’re like, “That’s the shit they made such a big fucking deal about?!” *Bubble bursts and you fall on that cute li’l arse that’s red with all the ‘you-know-what’*
In college, you had a best friend. You were soulmates! *Heart eyes* After college, you started dating someone. You were soulmates. *Heart eyes*Then you broke up and befriended your sibling. You were soulmates. *head getting terribly dizzy now* Then you meet that other girl and you’re getting married. You are soulmates. *counts how many soulmates you’ve had wondering if I’ve forgotten my math again* Exactly how many soulmates do you even have Dude? Like, were you seriously THAT lucky to be born with a soul mate at every bend in the road? And we’re here still sitting here trying to find a copy of that Chicken Soup for the Soul shit!
I have a very simple question. Exactly how many hands and mouths do you need, really? Why can’t you just be happy with what you already have? In case you haven’t noticed, some of us don’t even have a Tinder like (I’m not talking about me, no)! And how does it even work? How can you even bring your perverted mind to rest on the notion that you can have a threesome with two other people and feel like a God? And don’t for once think it makes you so hot that our hands would melt off our bodies, no. Get your head out of your posterior.
7. Wedding Nights
It’s 2 a.m. Your feet are literally killing you and so are your cheeks. You’ve smiled way too much and you won’t be smiling for the next year or so, if you can afford to (you can’t). You enter your swanky hotel room together and the white Egyptian Cotton sheets have rose petals strewn all over. You had to pay through your nose to just get your noisy-cum-nosey relatives to let you just be at peace for a bit and now, they expect you to have sex and make babies this very instant! Phew! This is worse than the time you had to justify your appraisal at work!
Scenario #1: It’s an arranged marriage. This is the first time you’re going on a holiday with a strange person you just vowed yourself to. *Slow clap* You’re supposed to go to some fancy place, stay in some fancy hotel and have sex in some fancy bed with a person who may or may not be a good tourist to begin with. You’re having one fun honeymoon worth talking about!
Scenario #2: It’s a love marriage; you’ve been together for some time now and you’ve travelled together to quite a few places. A honeymoon doesn’t really change much other than the fact that it’s your first trip post your wedding… … … Eh.
Still want to go over the moon making a big deal out of these things? Sure, go right ahead. I’ll just sit here and feast on some food while you wallow.